Patience For The Better

The following essay is a work from an author who wishes to remain anonymous:

I applied to two more jobs this afternoon but it seems like such a lazy way to do it. Does it meet the global criteria for “good enough”?  A few months ago, I probably would have judged myself too harshly and said it wasn’t good enough.  I didn’t even submit and cover letter with either application.

If I cared enough about actually getting a job that sort of thing would have been important to me.  Submitting the perfect cover letter with the perfect resume – if I cared enough I probably would have found the hiring manager online, added him on LinkedIn and included a nice note.

The most important thing to me is meeting my personal goals – am I following through on all the things I say I’ll do in each day?  If not, I should ask myself why I’m not following through with those goals?  What is the root cause of my laziness?  As I sit here writing this diary entry I believe my laziness stems from a lack of desire to work for another shitty organization.  My gut instincts do offer me some insight into whether an organization will be shitty or not.  I send out my half-hearted resumes to soothe myself.  Where is my desire?  Where did it go?  Why don’t I have it anymore?

“I’m not a loser, I’m just unmotivated.”  Why am I not motivated?  Because I don’t feel a sense of fear or stress – I’m too comfortable with my life.  I don’t have the burning fear inside me that I could lose everything immediately.  I don’t have the continual racing thoughts inside of me re-enforcing backup plan upon back up plan.

From my perspective, what I’m already doing is good enough.  I’m already doing what I need to support my wife and make her happy.  The standards seem to be impossibly low and for me that’s ok.  I meet the minimum impossibly low standard day in and day out – how could I be so lucky?   How could I be so misfortunate?

Would my life be better if I were sleeping on a couch in my office in the middle of fucking China?  Would my life be better if I were sleeping in a kitchen of a dilapidated brownstone next to the 41st street port authority?  I did those things.  And in so many ways I was much happier then.  I felt in touch with humanity in some way.  I could empathize with the struggle more than most.

Why is there no middle ground?  Why is it that once we obtain what we were seeking all along we no longer feel content?  How does life change so quickly?  I’m not asking why I’m asking how!  I already know there is no answer to the why question – and that’s comforting because that represents an answer.  And that’s a good thing because it’s always better to be answered than be ignored.  That’s what homeless people always say.  And I’m saying the same thing from a $4000 per month apartment in one of the glitziest neighborhoods of Manhattan.  There’s something underrated about a pure human connection that is devastatingly real and irreplaceable.

Human connection is devastatingly underrated and irreplaceable.

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